On Asterisks And Assholes...
Those who know me know of my unparalleled disdain for bloated San Fran slugger, Barry Bonds. In fact, I’m somewhat disgusted that I am consciously contributing to the unnecessary glut of press this vile human receives, so I’ll keep this relatively brief.
On my drive to Elgin this morning, after enjoying 3 hours of the all-eclectic all-the-time dPod shuffle, I kicked it over to ESPN Radio 1000 for the Dan Patrick Show. I tuned in just in time to catch the hour during which D.P. riffs with Keith Olbermann, former SportsCenter anchor and current host of MSNBC’s Countdown. Much to my dismay, they were discussing Barry Bonds and the whole thing about the home runs, and the Babe Ruth, and the records, and the celebrating. . . Despite said dismay, I continued to listen.
Here’s what I learned:
1) After hitting what could only be described as a Babe Ruth-ian shot to right at Philadelphia’s Citizen’s Bank Park, the ball was corralled by Carlos Oliveras (pictured here), as US Serviceman, and wouldn’t you know it, a Bonds fan . . . in Philly.
2) After the game, Oliveras asked Bonds for an autograph. Bonds REFUSED.
3) In a fitting twist of irony, it was Bonds who needed Oliveras’ autograph, on a waiver, so that Oliveras could be shown Barry’s shite reality show, Bonds on Bonds. (Barry still claims that he doesn’t care if people like him, despite participating in this obvious attempt to win fans). Oliveras obliged.
4) Keith Olbermann would actually be happy if Bonds suffered a career ending injury tomorrow morning. Although I don't normally wish ill on others, I’m with you on this one, K.O.
These events provide further evidence that Barry Bonds is the most detestable figure in the history. More so than The 1919 Chicago Black Sox. More so than Tonya Harding. More so than Mike Tyson.
Anyway, last night the unfathomably rowdy Philly fans got creative and came to the ballpark armed with asterisk signs, representing the asterisk that will go next to Barry’s home run total when he is officially exposed as a cheat and a liar. While these asterisks are quite effective in getting the message across, I think a differently designed asterisk would be more appropriate in this situation. I propose that fans use this asterisk:
This, (photo courtesy of bd) of course, is Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions illustration of an asshole, that looks remarkably like an asterisk with a couple of extra lines. This famous literary symbol should become Bonds' own special ass-terisck. I can see the record books now . . .
"Barry Bonds* (asshole) had 756 career home runs. " Brilliant.
On my drive to Elgin this morning, after enjoying 3 hours of the all-eclectic all-the-time dPod shuffle, I kicked it over to ESPN Radio 1000 for the Dan Patrick Show. I tuned in just in time to catch the hour during which D.P. riffs with Keith Olbermann, former SportsCenter anchor and current host of MSNBC’s Countdown. Much to my dismay, they were discussing Barry Bonds and the whole thing about the home runs, and the Babe Ruth, and the records, and the celebrating. . . Despite said dismay, I continued to listen.
Here’s what I learned:
1) After hitting what could only be described as a Babe Ruth-ian shot to right at Philadelphia’s Citizen’s Bank Park, the ball was corralled by Carlos Oliveras (pictured here), as US Serviceman, and wouldn’t you know it, a Bonds fan . . . in Philly.
2) After the game, Oliveras asked Bonds for an autograph. Bonds REFUSED.
3) In a fitting twist of irony, it was Bonds who needed Oliveras’ autograph, on a waiver, so that Oliveras could be shown Barry’s shite reality show, Bonds on Bonds. (Barry still claims that he doesn’t care if people like him, despite participating in this obvious attempt to win fans). Oliveras obliged.
4) Keith Olbermann would actually be happy if Bonds suffered a career ending injury tomorrow morning. Although I don't normally wish ill on others, I’m with you on this one, K.O.
These events provide further evidence that Barry Bonds is the most detestable figure in the history. More so than The 1919 Chicago Black Sox. More so than Tonya Harding. More so than Mike Tyson.
Anyway, last night the unfathomably rowdy Philly fans got creative and came to the ballpark armed with asterisk signs, representing the asterisk that will go next to Barry’s home run total when he is officially exposed as a cheat and a liar. While these asterisks are quite effective in getting the message across, I think a differently designed asterisk would be more appropriate in this situation. I propose that fans use this asterisk:
This, (photo courtesy of bd) of course, is Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions illustration of an asshole, that looks remarkably like an asterisk with a couple of extra lines. This famous literary symbol should become Bonds' own special ass-terisck. I can see the record books now . . .
"Barry Bonds* (asshole) had 756 career home runs. " Brilliant.
posted by Dinner at 5/08/2006 04:26:00 PM
2 Comments:
Funny story about Hank Aaron's 755th I heard last night. Apparently, the groundskeeper who caught it wouldn't give it back to Hank, so the Brewers fired him. Years later, he went to a card show, approached Hank Aaron, and got him to sign the Ball! Hank had no idea he was signing THE ball. Time went by and eventually the cat sold the ball at auction for $650,000. As a sign of good faith, ol boy donated 1/3 of his profits to Aaron's charity. Then he went home, got the real ball out of its secret hiding place beneath the propane tank, brought it inside and cooked it a nice steak dinner.
Diabolical!
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